Tolerate It – Taylor Swift
I had a list of about 10-15 songs that had been “pre-allocated” to chapters, and Tolerate It was one of them. It hits the nail on the head.
I look back at eighteen-year-old me and wish I could give her a hug. After getting out of a physically abusive relationship only months before meeting Tyler, I wish I knew the signs of an emotionally abusive one.
He was my superman; so handsome and funny. Someone who saved me from my depression and my previous awful experiences. I was his Mercy to his McCree… Or, Cassidy as he goes by nowadays. I just was so infatuated with him and felt that I owed him—I wanted to give him a perfect body, a perfect financial situation, a perfect sex life, a perfect fucking relationship. So, when he requested I drop to 60kg because I’d be “smoking” then, I didn’t see how insulting that was. I was blinded.
I was gaslit, and re-reading this chapter is still so painful because I fell for it and thought I was the bad guy and that our problems were my fault.
But still, I tried to be and do better for him. I tried to get my shit together and go back to being the perfect girlfriend who never complained and asked anything of him.
I’m still picking up the pieces of my self esteem seven years later, and he gets more than a footnote in the story of my life.
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